famous people quitting

Dear Full House,

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck yoooouuuuuuuuuuuuuu. You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting to say that. How have we been on the air for so fucking long? 8 years? You have got to be shitting me.

Has anyone ever even watched our show? I’ve laid better cable in a Taco Bell bathroom! I’ve never seen so much homo-erotic, metaphorical ass-play between three grown men who are not actively fucking each other. I mean, this is San Francisco. If we’re going to be gay for each other, then we should be gay for each other. I assure you, it wouldn’t be a problem.

Also, those little devil twins have been getting on my tits since the week we started. Every time either of those dark minions smiles, I get the sudden urge to eviscerate a beagle puppy in front of their big, dumb anime eyes till giant cartoon tears roll down their faces and they run away screaming.

How did I end up starring in the most wholesome show on TV? Have you not seen my stand-up? It is fucking foul! I either have the best agent in the business or you dumbshit producers never gave a rip enough to check out my act. Well, guess I can retire now. If I ever come back and host some insipid program where we show nothing but rednecks getting hit in the nuts with footballs, somebody put me out of my fucking misery, already; you’ll have my permission.

Alright, shitsticks. This is Saget signing off.

Peace! I’m out!

To my dearest, darkest witches and warlocks.

It is with tears in my eyes that I write this goodbye letter to you. I never thought the day would come when I would have to leave the warmth of my beloved coven, but it seems that fate has chosen a greater purpose for me: politics. You have all shown me so much about the dark side of life, but I felt it necessary to go one step further and join an even greater source of evil; the Gloom Old Party, as it were.

I’ll always remember with great fondness our time at all the schools we attended together, as well as all the schools we didn’t attend at all. To my darling Sheldon, Wicked Priest of the Underworld, how could I forget that time we got ripped on whip-its at the post-abstinence rally goth party and had raunchy, nasty sex until sunrise? Even though I’ll forever have to deny having done anything of the sort, just know that you’ll always occupy a special place in my…heart. In fact, I’ll likely have to deny ever having been associated with any of you, but just know that I don’t do this out of hatred. The political party I’m about to join has a long-standing tradition of bald-faced hypocrisy and that is the one tradition I’m not allowed to break with.

Goodbye my friends. Remember that whatever I say about you, or anything else for that matter, I’ll be thinking the exact opposite.

Your sister in turpitude,

Christine O’Donnell